To my anxiety

Sopno niye sopno dekha,
Hariye phela tukro lekha
Phele dewa mukhgulokey
Alor akhi cheye dekhey

Dristi diye, dristi khuji
Sobdo niye, sobdo bujhi
Khomar jonno, bechey thaka
Ekta sopno bachiye rakha

Suji on leaving a city I hate, hate to stay, and hate to belong

And yet a departure
Of comfort and separation
To forego another hand
Another silence, another passé

New places,
New faces

And yet, you leave
For comfort and separation
I let go, I let free
I let another relation

New poems,
Novel dames

And yet, there will be August
For rains and summer
And we will miss July
For pains,
Our rains
And watch the hopes
Spread their wings in veins

O Shillong! Again

O Shillong again, I want to sleep in your arms, get drenched in your tepid tears. I want to leaf through the verses of your thought. I can see your pensive eyes in search of a life. A life, surpassing the smoky rings of thoughts. I watch you composing them and burying them in your dark grey clouds. Shillong is one of the briefest tales written with a misty desire. And you write, and you paint, and narrate and your lips go dry, still you narrate until sleep takes all your strength. Then you dream of Shillong, a meandering curve – you peep down and it’s green, it greener every day. You render your heart, and it takes you to solitude. And there you stand lonely, defying your existence, you walk spell bound down to the stream. The madness of the drizzle makes you wet. I stood there grateful at last to this bountiful earth.

You will grow cold, your heart at loss of words, and your finger numb and at last your face turned; turned not to look at me but for the distant blind and blabbering laughter. The shades of day passed from one boat to another to fetch the catch of the day. Who said the Queen’s England is a beauty? Shillong lived above the worth of time. This is where my passions clasped with a secret joy. Shillong will smile even beyond a golden afternoon. I want to sleep again in your arms, wear your perfume and dance in your tune. I want to live as a wandering cloud in your sky – Shillong.

SHILLONG
My relation with this place goes back to the days of my pa's childhood. He was born in hills, his adolescent pranks, love, emotions, and memories are hidden somewhere in these hills. In the light of Jadavpur, I remember, some friends took me to Shillong. Shillong in rains is amazing. I retire at times to "last poem", where Amit started a novel episode of his life, where his roads took him away rationally from Lavanya. Some of the best things in life are never complete - they have a mystery in them, they leave a juncture for us - so that the lesser mortals can choose their path.

Shillong and morning, the lazy morning opens its eyes with rains, soft winds, colorful umbrellas, steaming coffee, no work, an idle mind, and silent streams of water. You window curtains are ready to jive in the soft tender winds defying the mechanical power of their hinges. There you walk and talk to the unknown, to the unseen and realise the mysterious and uncapturable bliss. Your eyes look for the glen, the roads, the streams where the words of "last poem" stopped, breathed, nurtured, matured, sighed, and desired for more.

Tagore, how many times I have read these pages and how long I have been to this place I do not know.
Shillong to me is undecipherable. Its more like...
"Shundor, tumi chokhkhu bhoriya
eneycho oshrujol !
Eneycho tomar bokhkhey dhoriya
dushoho homanol
...
e tapey shashiya utey bikoshiya
bichedsotodol"

Shillong is the beginning and end of all poems, dreams, and songs.

Haves and Have knots

Have i ever stood in wild rain and felt your hands in mine?

yes , I have

Can i still want to sit in a dark room hiding ?

yes, i can

Are my words still look for their meaning in your color?

yes, they are

Will your words torment my life forever?

yes, they will

What i have ?

i dunno

When did i lose?

i dont desire to know

Where did it go?

i dont want to speak

Have i ever let your thought cross my mind ?

i believe not

Have knots been so frail that this departure was inevitable?

i dont think so

Still when i work late, i can feel you sitting somewhere narrating a poem in your own original manner.

You are a wild flower, I dont want to pluck, you have your own beauty untouched and undiscovered.

you mean this life to me ,

but you wanted little

Some words remind us what we meant, some words take us to places less visited. Let these words be mine more than yours. I had treasured them and never thought to publish them. Now that my blog is mine, I will have them here.
Sujatha-to-Shayani> notun guidelines
Sujatha-to-Shayani> ekhon berote parchi na
Shayani-to-Sujatha> bhalo
Shayani-to-Sujatha> toke astey hobe na
Shayani-to-Sujatha> tui ekta ekdom bhalo nosh
Shayani-to-Sujatha> suji wer are you ?
Sujatha-to-Shayani> are ami ekhanei
Sujatha-to-Shayani> lets shift to bombay
Sujatha-to-Shayani> :D
Shayani-to-Sujatha>neither did u reply yesterday,
Shayani-to-Sujatha> and nw u are laughin at my state
Sujatha-to-Shayani> what crap
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i am nt laughing at ur state
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i am trying to cheer u up
Shayani-to-Sujatha> aha , wat a amazin way to cheer up
Sujatha-to-Shayani> acha lunch brk e ekta gaan pathachi that shud cheer u up
Shayani-to-Sujatha> ok
Shayani-to-Sujatha> bt we wont be able to c each other
Sujatha-to-Shayani> hmmm
Sujatha-to-Shayani> v will if v shift to bombay
Sujatha-to-Shayani> wanna do that ?
Shayani-to-Sujatha> after lunch you shud cum out with me
Sujatha-to-Shayani> ok
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i will
Shayani-to-Sujatha> yes , i will
Shayani-to-Sujatha> pray for me
Shayani-to-Sujatha> love you
Sujatha-to-Shayani> keno?
Shayani-to-Sujatha> emni
Shayani-to-Sujatha> do u need a reason to love
Sujatha-to-Shayani> yes
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i am done with loving without reason
Sujatha-to-Shayani> my emotions need to be tempered with rationale now
Sujatha-to-Shayani> by
Shayani-to-Sujatha> reason is dry where you wont find the tender hands of tears
Sujatha-to-Shayani> plz stop
Sujatha-to-Shayani> this insanity
Sujatha-to-Shayani> loneliness knows no reason
Shayani-to-Sujatha> they will not take you to cotton clouds
Shayani-to-Sujatha> they will make you dream
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i do not seek dreams now
Shayani-to-Sujatha> a dream which you can even c with open eyes
Shayani-to-Sujatha> love knws no boundaries
Shayani-to-Sujatha> they have no expectation
Shayani-to-Sujatha> bt it is still there .
Sujatha-to-Shayani> no longer russet sunsets will make me shed my precious tears
Sujatha-to-Shayani> no longer will i pine for your love
Sujatha-to-Shayani> no longer will i long for a touch
Sujatha-to-Shayani> for the gentle incline of my head on your chest
Sujatha-to-Shayani> adn seek to smell the summer sweat
Sujatha-to-Shayani> the
Shayani-to-Sujatha> see the words still exist
Sujatha-to-Shayani> no more will i shelter your sleep
Shayani-to-Sujatha> wat are these words if they are nt love
Shayani-to-Sujatha> mother
Sujatha-to-Shayani> from the blinding rays of a morning sun
Shayani-to-Sujatha> hw can you stop loving without reason
Shayani-to-Sujatha> hw can you nt love more, coz you are wounded more
Shayani-to-Sujatha> bruised more
Shayani-to-Sujatha> forgotten more
Shayani-to-Sujatha> drowned more
Sujatha-to-Shayani> forget I will
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i must
Shayani-to-Sujatha> love is panacea
Sujatha-to-Shayani> and drown in this desert sand
Sujatha-to-Shayani> called reason
Shayani-to-Sujatha> even they have love
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i will survive the motions of a soulless life
Shayani-to-Sujatha> life is never soul less
Shayani-to-Sujatha> u might refute
Shayani-to-Sujatha> but it still resides
Shayani-to-Sujatha> breathes
Shayani-to-Sujatha> suffers
Shayani-to-Sujatha> cries
Sujatha-to-Shayani> do not silence my cries honey
Sujatha-to-Shayani> with well crafted words
Sujatha-to-Shayani> coz they soothe not
Sujatha-to-Shayani> my bleeding wounds
Sujatha-to-Shayani> my aching soul
Sujatha-to-Shayani> my longing heart
Shayani-to-Sujatha> let the flies of monsoon feed on your open wounds
Sujatha-to-Shayani> my lonely life
Shayani-to-Sujatha> even then there will be love
Sujatha-to-Shayani> no
Sujatha-to-Shayani> not that love anymore
Sujatha-to-Shayani> not love again
Shayani-to-Sujatha> yes , there is in your smile
Sujatha-to-Shayani> why must i see dreams
Shayani-to-Sujatha> your bright intense eyes
Sujatha-to-Shayani> of that crimson morrow
Sujatha-to-Shayani> that will never come
Sujatha-to-Shayani> of a honey soaked word
Shayani-to-Sujatha> y do you expect things to come
Sujatha-to-Shayani> that i will never hear
Sujatha-to-Shayani> coz love for me
Sujatha-to-Shayani> is not only to love
Sujatha-to-Shayani> but to be loved back
Shayani-to-Sujatha> ok
Shayani-to-Sujatha> love for me is to lose
Shayani-to-Sujatha> to become
Shayani-to-Sujatha> nt expecting to b loved
Sujatha-to-Shayani> i do not expect to be loved back
Sujatha-to-Shayani> but i dream
Sujatha-to-Shayani> and my gauzy dreams
Sujatha-to-Shayani> like silken sunsets
Sujatha-to-Shayani> tear easy
Sujatha-to-Shayani> and i will love not
Sujatha-to-Shayani> again
Sujatha-to-Shayani> and yet again
Shayani-to-Sujatha> so you will love to not love again?
Shayani-to-Sujatha> isnt it
Shayani-to-Sujatha> suji
Shayani-to-Sujatha> the words r urs
Shayani-to-Sujatha> ididnt say nythin
Shayani-to-Sujatha> love you so much
Shayani-to-Sujatha> sujatha
Sujatha-to-Shayani> bol re
Shayani-to-Sujatha> na , just wanted to call you

last year the words were there, and today...

necessary betrayal

at midnight
drenched in light
a thought sits ajar
sawa pollca
indulging a murmur
a crippled body
howl, yell, cry, shout
yet no sound out
do i belong to you?
being real
being true

seized in obligation
an age went off
it was a dire need
they said,
to become a thing
to try a name
to drown in loathe
to swear an oath
ton'ght, i ask
to perfect a task
do i belong to you?
being real?
being true?

reaped a life
within your tribe
i pity!
as my eyes tonight
lost their sight
your face blurs
as
the truth incurs

envelop'd by
the sheets of past
down
where my temptation last
as one feet
follow'd another
o my child's father
lets undo
lets unmeet
you say
i'll stay
say, i'm yours
then why?
memory lures

(written on the 16th day of feb, 2006)

CREMATION!

to drink your words

then I shall stab you

to make you bleed

- for a lifetime

to hold your beating heart,

in my palm

to feed on your carcass

before you die

then and then, to wish for you

A LIFE!

- crippled in spirit

I shall bury you

in the catacomb of my thoughts

like a bare soul

you will lie there,

nourish your sorrows

in the rains

-of fall

no sun will walk to you

you will die

in the darkness of my heart

written on the 18th day of July, 2006